A helicopter mother – that’s what a professional told me I would become when I decided to dedicate my first year of motherhood entirely to my family life. Isn’t it surprising to hear something like that from a professional? So, does dedicating the first few years to your baby really make you a helicopter parent?
Dedication will never make you a helicopter mother, but obsession will.
Many times, the term helicopter parenting is misinterpreted. Some helicopter parents never realize it, some feel guilty for being involved parents, thinking they are helicopter parenting, and others are mislabeled as helicopter parents simply for being responsible parents.
Thus, it’s important to understand the real meaning of helicopter parenting and its effects, so parents can refrain from it and feel confident in their own positive parenting styles.
Helicopter Mother meaning
Helicopter parenting refers to overparenting or overwhelming parenting. It often takes the form of being overprotective, overly involved, controlling, or even smothering. Learn more about the signs of a smother mother here.
The signs or examples of helicopter mothers manifest in different ways during various phases of life. These behaviors can range from constant monitoring, dictating, setting rules, and over-scheduling a child’s life to interfering in an adult child’s relationships, finances, or job.
How the Term Helicopter Mother is Misused and Its Impact on Involved Parents
I personally knew a mother who was positively involved in her daughter’s life, explaining the possible dangers and safety tips when appropriate, but always maintaining healthy boundaries. Still, I heard her group of friends jokingly making the sound of a helicopter above her head whenever she started talking to her daughter.
Surprisingly, her husband , who was labeled as a caring and mature father, was dictating the rules, scheduling the kid’s life, and not allowing the kid to make mistakes, yet he was only labeled as protective or just a strict father. That is the irony.
Many times, half-baked information and societal pressure lead to women being constantly judged and mislabeled, hampering their self-confidence and parenting approaches, and evoking self-doubt and mom-guilt.
This tendency can discourage involved or engaged mothers from maintaining their approaches or may cause them to lose confidence. At the same time, it can indirectly encourage helicopter mothers to proudly continue their helicopter parenting, believing that the term is simply a social stigma rather than a genuine issue. It can also confuse kids, making them mistake positive disciplining for helicopter parenting, and vice versa.
You might not be the helicopter mother as they said!
If you are disturbed by the thought, Am I a helicopter mother? Or by the way people address you as one? Or if anyone questions your parenting style, it’s better to stop worrying. All you need to do is acquire definite knowledge from trusted sources, be open to constructive criticism, and then analyze the situation to work for the better. It’s as simple as that!
I would say you’re not a helicopter mother if:
- You spend quality time with your kids but also allow them to have independent time and make time for yourself as well.
- You give them age-appropriate parental control but treat them as individuals with their own personalities.
- You offer proper support and guidance, but avoid giving constant instructions and rules.
- You are the best companion to your child, but let them have their own friendships, relationships, and social connections.
- You help them make good choices for their best interests, but don’t control every decision.
- You give them options to choose from, but you’re not the prime decision-maker.
- You guide them as a parent, but allow them to learn from their mistakes.
- You stay updated on their academics but don’t overly interfere or micromanage.
- You encourage, present, and motivate them to face challenges, but don’t solve their problems for them.
- They are your entire world, but you also have your own life outside of motherhood.
- You pay attention to your kid’s activities but avoid overwhelming them with unsolicited advice, criticism, and judgment.
How society makes helicopter mothers
Recently, there has been a noticeable rise in helicopter parenting, sparking widespread discussion. Many mothers who have recognized the long-term effects of this parenting style have chosen to refrain from it. While various factors contribute to helicopter parenting, one significant aspect to consider is the role society plays in it. Let’s look at the societal factors that contribute to the emergence of helicopter mothering.
- Concerns About Safety and Dangers in Society: As a mother, it’s really challenging and even traumatizing to hear about drug addiction, abuse, and other societal dangers so frequently these days. This can create a heightened sense of fear and awareness, pushing mothers to become more protective, constantly worrying about the potential risks their children might face.
- Societal Pressure to Be a Perfect Mother: A child’s behavior is often linked to the mother’s upbringing by society, putting unfair criticism and blame on her. Mothers are expected to prioritize their children’s lives and protect them at all costs to fit into at least the “good mother” label. This makes them obsessed with the child’s life, constantly monitoring, caring, involving, and overprotecting the kid in an attempt to fulfill their duty perfectly.
- Peer Pressure and the Competitive Nature of Motherhood: There is always frequent comparison and judgment, even within the social circles of a mother, which creates pressure to keep up with others. This creates competition, not just in parenting styles, but also in children’s academic and extracurricular achievements. Mothers may contribute by micromanaging their children’s lives and academic journeys to help them succeed or meet expectations.
- Overwhelming Information and Hyper-Awareness: Parents now have a vast amount of easily accessible parenting information available online and through social media, which makes them hyper-aware and hyper-vigilant. The constant influx of advice, trends, and warnings about potential dangers can take a toll on their mental health, leading to overprotective or overly cautious behavior. This information overload can be a contributing factor to overparenting.
Unloved daughters turning to helicopter mothers
Most of the time, helicopter mothers have their own reasons for being so. Overcompensation is a common factor observed among helicopter parents. If you dig deeper into their histories, many of them have experienced uninvolved, neglectful, or unloving parenting. For some, not repeating the mistakes of their own parents becomes a way to heal from the trauma they experienced. By being overly involved, they attempt to compensate for the neglect or lack of love they faced in their own childhood.
Sometimes, helicopter parenting is linked to an uninvolved co-parent or unresolved conflicts between partners. Having emotionally distant people around them, especially a partner, can lead mothers to center their lives entirely around their child or feel the need to be overly involved for the child’s welfare.
Long-Term Impact of Helicopter Parenting
Several studies have been conducted on the consequences of helicopter parenting in children. Much of the research highlights the negative impacts, including low problem-solving skills, low self-esteem, anxiety, and more.
Some of the long-term effects of helicopter parenting include:
- Anxiety and depression in adulthood
- Lack of independence and self-sufficiency
- Struggles with interpersonal relationships and social skills
- Low self-esteem and lack of confidence
- Reduced problem-solving ability
- Strained Mother- child bond
- Personality issues, such as lack of transparency, addiction tendencies, trauma bonding, and codependency.
Overprotective tendencies in helicopter parenting do more harm than good.For more detailed information on over-protective mothers and the effects of over-protective parenting, you can read [HERE].
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How to be an engaged parent without being a Helicopter Mother
1. Draw the line between involved and overinvolved parenting: Being mindful of your parenting approaches can help you recognize when the term ‘over’ takes over your parenting. Take time to regularly reflect on your decisions, identify flaws, and work towards improving them
2. Give space for open communication: Make sure to encourage and maintain a judgment-free zone in your home where your kids can openly communicate their needs, concerns, and emotions.
3. Set healthy boundaries: Make it a habit to maintain healthy personal boundaries and teach your kids to do the same. Respect their personal space and privacy, allowing them to develop their own individuality.
4. Replace overbearing behavior with emotional bonding: Focus on building an emotional connection by bonding with them and understanding them on an emotional level. It can eventually help you both to work as a team and grow trust and attachment.
5. Journaling to Track and Analyze: The next time you doubt yourself as a helicopter mother or get criticized for your parenting style, write it down in a journal. Track your behavior and the situations where these comments arise. This will help you analyze whether you’re being overly protective, even in casual situations.
6.Self-care and mental health: Treat yourself with the same care and attention you give your kids. Address any unresolved trauma or issues, whether with your partner or from the past, that may affect your parenting. Build a circle of positive people and avoid toxic influences. Make time for your hobbies and personal goals.
7.Stay updated: Having an understanding of the latest research and important information regarding parenting can help build your confidence, especially when facing criticism or being labeled. At the same time, be open to constructive criticism and feedback from supportive, knowledgeable people-those who genuinely care about your growth and development.
8. Trust your kids’ ability to learn: Give them the opportunity to prove themselves and build self-confidence. Step back and observe as they take risks, solve their own problems, and handle various situations. This will help you build trust in their capabilities.
9. Encourage independence: Help your kids build their own social circle, make their own decisions, and develop into independent individuals
10. Acquiring life skills is also a success: Focus on helping your kids acquire life skills like critical thinking, coping strategies, decision-making, problem-solving, and self-respect, giving them the same importance as academic and extracurricular achievements.
Reflections from Mindful Portrait
Helicopter mothers often fail to recognize the consequences of their over-involvement until it’s too late. Sometimes, the best thing a mother can do is let go, allowing her child to grow and blossom on their own. Just be there for them as a present, reliable parent, offering support when needed, sharing your life experiences, and ultimately raising strong, independent, and resilient kids.
