Do mothers even realize when they slowly turn into a smothering mother? They always wanted the best for their children and held high hopes for their future. Yet when the ‘S’ is added to mothering, it turns into smothering – a suffocating, super-needy, scanning mother. Regardless of good intentions, smothering can lead to negative consequences for both the child and the mother-child relationship. Identifying the signs of a smother mother from an early stage is necessary to prevent the consequences.

Learn more about the effects of a controlling mother on sons and the impact of a domineering mother on daughters.

Key Signs of a Smother Mother

1. Considers her child an extension of herself rather than a separate individual
   For a mother, her child is always her soul—a life that began within her. But a smothering mother often sees her child as a part of herself—a personal mini-verse rather than an individual with their own identity. To her, the child reflects her own life, thoughts, and dreams. In turn, she forgets to recognize the child as a separate person with their own unique path.
2. Ignores boundaries and privacy
   She believes that constant monitoring and involvement are her right and a necessity for the child’s protection and connection. Even if the child tries to establish boundaries or expresses a need for privacy, she may dismiss their efforts by complaining or reacting negatively, failing to recognize that everyone needs a sense of autonomy. This lack of respect for privacy can lead to identity struggles for the child.
3. Anxiety
   Most of the time, a smothering mother is an overthinker who projects her own anxieties and concerns onto her children, leading to excessive worry about their well-being and future. This tendency often results in overprotectiveness and unsolicited advice, even for her adult children. This behavior has many negative consequences on her children, such as loss of self-esteem and problem-solving capacities.
   To learn more, read about overprotective mom, the causes, signs, and effects of overprotective mothers on their children, as well as how to manage overprotective tendencies.
4. Infantilizing the child
   We say, no matter how old they get, they will always be a baby to their mother. A smothering mother takes this sentiment literally, publicly infantilizing her children and refusing to accept them as adults. She consistently views them as younger than their actual age, resisting the reality of their maturity and growth. They cover up their child’s shortcomings by saying, ‘He is just a baby’ or ‘He is still a child,’ regardless of his age. This attitude prevents her from allowing or encouraging her children to take on age-appropriate responsibilities.
5. Acts as the primary decision-maker in all areas of the child’s life
   When you find a person who always turns to his mother to make decisions in his life instead of seeking opinions, guidance, or support, you can clearly say that he was smothered as a child. Even when they need to choose an option, they seek validation from their mother to proceed with their preference and feel confident about it.This behavior of the mother as the decision-maker starts in childhood, from deciding on outfits, friends, extracurricular activities to selecting college admissions, and continues into adult life with decisions about jobs, relationships, finances, and more.
6. Focuses her entire life only on her child
   The child becomes her entire world, and she believes that he or she needs her presence, guidance, or support to be safe, avoid mistakes, and live successfully, even when the child desires independence. She invests so much in this relationship that she forgets to have a life of her own, gradually becoming obsessed with the child’s life. As a result, the child becomes the only source of happiness and purpose in her life.
7. Unintended Emotional Manipulation
   A smothering mother’s upbringing typically involves manipulating her child’s thoughts. As a result, the child develops goals, anxieties, fears, worries, and preferences based on the mother’s influence. Moreover, the child feels obligated to remain attached to her due to the sacrifices she has emphasized, experiencing intense guilt when seeking independence. As a result, the child constantly strives to live according to her expectations, believing that this is the only way to be loved, accepted, happy, successful, and safe in life.
8. Shows possessiveness or jealousy over the child’s friendships or relationships
   Smothering mothers become super clingy and insecure about their child’s new friendships and relationships. They feel these are a threat to the emotional connection between mother and child and think someone might cause harm to the child as well as the mother-child bond.
9. Takes credit for the child’s achievements as a reflection of her own efforts
   When a mother smothers her child with unsolicited advice, involvement, and help in every area of their life, she eventually shares the child’s achievements. This dynamic might indirectly force the child to become more dependent on the mother, less confident, and more grateful and committed. Her emphasis on teamwork rather than the child’s own efforts reinforces the idea that her guidance or sacrifices are essential, even in the future, which can lead to boundary issues. This also results in guilt-tripping.
10. Intrudes into the child’s romantic relationships
    Obviously, signs of a smother mother like the lack of boundaries, possessiveness, and over-involvement can all create challenges when the child enters a romantic relationship. Accepting a third person into their life, someone who may become more important than her, might not be acceptable to the mother, especially while she is still infantilizing the child. She worries that she still needs to micromanage his life including his finances and life events, viewing it as her right or responsibility even after marriage.
11. Encourage or create Dependency
    A smothering mother often does not trust her children’s capabilities, leading them to doubt their own abilities. From early childhood to adulthood, she instills a strong sense of attachment and dependency in them, both directly and indirectly. The mother wants the child to feel that without her, there would be an emptiness that cannot be filled, believing their survival and well-being depend largely on her presence.

How to Deal with a Smother Mother

Always remember that dealing with a smothering mother does not equate to tolerating emotional abuse. Any form of abuse should not be accepted; it must be reported and addressed. Take the necessary actions.

1. Understand the extent: Identify the signs of a smother mother and analyze the extent of her behavior to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy levels of protectiveness and care. Misinterpreting mothering as smothering is not advisable, but tolerating smothering behavior or living under a smothering mother can have significant consequences. Therefore, proper identification is the first step.
2. Expressing instead of blaming: Try to express your feelings instead of blaming when dealing with this. Blaming can create negativity, indirectly lead to victimization and guilt-tripping, and ultimately reinforce the smothering behavior.
3. Be empathetic: Smothering often originates from insecurity, anxiety, or fear of harm, childhood trauma, or the emptiness of emotional connection or support from a partner or adult. Thus, if she is still within tolerable limits, show some empathy and support her to improve or change.
4. Seek help: This is a very tricky step because when discussing such a delicate or sensitive relationship issue, you need to be extremely conscious of the genuineness and reliability of the person you confide in. However, if you are confident in your choice, seeking the help of a third person—such as a co-parent, mentor, or genuine friend—can help clarify your confusion and may assist you in initiating communication with your mother or provide personalized tips to manage the situation.
5. Stand up for yourself: Focus on your self-improvement. Recognize any negative consequences you may be experiencing, such as low self-esteem or diminished problem-solving skills, and work towards addressing them one by one.
6. Seek Therapy: Prioritize your mental health. Seeking professional help or attending therapy can help you process feelings about your smothering mother. Recognize any hidden consequences you are experiencing, and help develop healthier boundaries and strategies to cope.
7. Build relationships: Try to build genuine relationships on your own. This can improve your emotional well-being, mental health, personality development, and independence.
8. Start communicating your needs: Remind your mother of your age and personality by being transparent and communicating your needs, dreams, and concerns about the situation.
9. Find an emotional outlet: Process your thoughts, emotions, and ideas by discovering your own unique method. This could include journaling, blogging, or engaging in any hobbies you enjoy. Discover 30 unique mindful hobby ideas to improve mental health here.
10. Set Boundaries: Clearly define your boundaries and be assertive in communicating them to your mother. Express the specific behaviors that feel intrusive and encourage her to respect your autonomy. Never entertain negativity related to this boundary-setting.
11. Self love: Dedicate specific time for self-care and personal time. Love yourself and actively work on building your own identity.
12. Support Your Mother or Move On: Encourage your mother to improve her behavior by providing her with resources, taking her to therapy, encouraging selfcare etc But if nothing changes, consider creating distance for your own well-being.

Reflections From Mindful Portrait

When discussing a smothering mother, perspectives can differ greatly. A mother may believe she is fulfilling her duty through constant attention, while the child feels suffocated by her overwhelming love and involvement. This confusion can persist into adulthood, making it essential to recognize the signs of a smother mother.

Since smothering can negatively impact the child and damage the mother-child bond, take charge as soon as possible. Mothers should reflect on their parenting, accept constructive criticism, and prioritize their child’s well-being over justifying their actions. Similarly, children should take the initiative toward their self-improvement rather than waiting for their mothers to change. By acknowledging the signs of a smother mother and working together, maintaining open communication and transparency, both mothers and children can preserve a healthy and beautiful bond.